What was I thinking that I have to deal with THIS? Ya know, you have these great ideas about writing about personal areas of struggle.. and when the dust settles who wants to tackle this stuff? Ugh! Don't worry this is going to be Rated-PG mostly, at worst you could maybe infer PG-13 a time or two. By the way this is really about the purity battle from the standpoint of ministering to guys.
Well, I'm not going to get into my testimony and all of the junk that used to be part of my life in the area of my former immorality. I have written about that in "My Story" which is one of the pages on this blog. However the fact is, even as a married man for going on 17 years now this is a topic I still work on to this day.
The way I see it - guys battle sexual purity and temptation in at least 4 important areas:
- The physical, very real chemical need
- The emotional and mental need
- The visual appeal
- The vulnerability to flattery
My first tip/recommendation has to do with being careful with the visual appeal of ladies
Here is the thing- the way it works if you "check out" a woman's body is you are really investing in her and creating at least a small stirring in yourself. God designed us to be one man- with one woman. So, by all means look at your wife and be excited about her but actively and carefully avoid looking at other women. This is a habit I started working on breaking when I got serious about dating my wife, it wasn't an overnight success but it was an intentional effort. I used to be ridiculous about checking women out (embarrassing to say now).
Three stories of train wrecks I have encountered
I had a Christian friend when I was a lot younger tell me, "hey, I am just enjoying God's creation". I couldn't influence him to think any differently about this. I found out later that shortly after he almost wrecked his life on multiple levels with what became an immoral lifestyle- his "just looking" became a very active sexual train-wreck.
The next two incidents I am going to share came from the same Christian life group at church a few years ago. We went around the room sharing and I said how I had made a discipline of trying not to look at women in a "checking them out", lustful way and how I had gotten a lot of freedom from sinful acts in this area. One guy in the lifegroup when I said I had been freed in this area said, "yah right", which is pretty shockingly rude, particularly in a group like that. Another guy (same meeting!) shared that not only does he look at women in this way but that he worked at the DFW airport and he routinely has, in his words, "2-second affairs" with women whom he walks past. Basically this is locking eyes and smiling and he gets a bit of a thrill when they show him interest. Now, you need to know- this is a MARRIED dude.. The train-wreck of this story is I found out 6 months later his wife left him. He thought he was getting away with something and getting his eyes satisfied and his ego satisfied- but he ended up reaping what he sowed. (some of my good friends refer to this as "Karma", as Christians we say you always "reap what you sow" - because God monitors this stuff and pays people back - good or bad, you've probably seen many examples of this in your life!)
One more story- and this is sad, just happened this afternoon
Alright, so I am at Target tonight picking up some stuff for dinner (and trying to apply for their Red Card - FAIL, that's another story) and the somewhat older lady who is the cashier who is helping me (and this is a long story how she came to tell me this) said her husband had left her 2 years ago. She said, "Yah, he liked to look at other women". Isn't that interesting- so, something that was probably annoying her for years grew- and eventually he acted on it. He wrecked her life, may have destroyed the hearts of his kids if he had any, and make no mistake about it- when he dies alone he will know that he also destroyed his own life. You JUST DON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS STUFF!
Here's the deal- get married/stay married- and work on your marriage
You can't be shy about the sex talk with your wife. She kind of bought-into this when she signed on right? Don't be rude about it, come to an agreement. Your commitment to her needs to be 100% and her commitment needs to be to "show up at the game" if you get my meaning. Have an agreement on this with topics like frequency. Commit yourself a new habit that you won't look at others, and if you slip repent quick and get back in the saddle. Hold yourself accountable to your wife.
Seriously the grass isn't greener and stop getting online- that stuff is going to kill you, hurt your kids, destroy your wife, and it just leads to deeper bondage. Focus this area (sex) of your life solely on your wife. The way God made you- when you focus ONLY on her and invest in her with your eyes, your time, and yes your physical investment- over time you will more and more MAKE HER your new and stronger habit.
Some of the purity topic is more about having new, healthy habits than it is about fighting
This post is too long but I want to talk about flattery
The only thing more dangerous to you as a guy than your physical need and the attraction factor of women - is flattery... Here's the deal, God created us guys to operate on a currency of respect. When a woman shows us respect- it can have an effect and if a woman is flirtatious or overly-complementary it can make a guy in the right frame of mind a little vulnerable. Over time, this type of attention, particularly if its not innocent on her part can lead to temptation. You really have to watch out here. I know myself and if I think I'm getting a little attention or even just someone being a little too-nice for too-long, I really try and keep a mental guard up and if necessary I'll even use polite avoidance strategies.
The source for your flattery, respect, and attention needs to be from your wife- if your relationship isn't at that level right now this could be an un-met need for you. What you are going to have to do is intentionally invest in her and work on filling her cup. So, here's the deal- just like respect works for you like a "currency", her "currency" is love. Start working on her currency and eventually some of that will come to you.
Ultimately you've got to get the Lord involved in this
First of all - if you haven't surrendered to Jesus Christ then you aren't even tapping into the nuclear-powered battery you are supposed to be living on- you're disconnected. I'd be happy to talk with you about this. (christianbusinessguy@yahoo.com)
Ok, assuming you ARE a Christian then listen- I just can't sit here and write for four hours and cover this in sufficient detail. Ultimately my method of change in life has been by seeking the Lord, reading the Bible, and prayer. Yes, there are good habits like not checking out women visually - but that is a "take-away", your real replacement habit is getting the power of God involved in your life by asking HIM for help, hourly if needed. Even tonight when walking into Target I was having to actively avoid people wearing stuff I shouldn't focus on and I said a little prayer.
Hope that helps, a little longer than I wanted to go and still didn't cover it.
Tune in tomorrow, I will be covering how I have battled with anger. (I am SUCH a glutton for punishment apparently)
As usual- your comments are appreciated below!
1 comment:
messing up your marriage and your relationship with the Lord is easily accomplished
great insight and advise in your post you are right on all counts to be pure men must follow these guidelines or fall into sin
Post a Comment