In my mind today swirl multiple negative ideas- sinful solutions to some real issues in my life. This is a hard day. These floating ideas all have some truth in them or I could just reject them outright. These real problems all bother me. Since these ideas and thoughts are within me they are harder to combat.
Things I believe in my mind will eventually become actions. I cannot separate beliefs from actual living. Everything I DO is something I believed first. Everything I believe came from thoughts and ideas. The way I am thinking right now could result in a spiritual shipwreck.
I will win or lose this struggle based on what I believe is the most true and what I desire the most.
When ideas about resolving real-life problems in a sinful way are in my mind they are harder to fight off because they are in my own thoughts. These ideas are sympathetic, seem to solve the problem to some degree, and promise anonymity. These sinful ideas typically do not also give me non-sinful options.
I feel very alone in this fight right now.
This particular challenge I have is chronic and is truly a difficult issue for me- in the visibility I have I see no end to this. The negative thoughts hammer away at me --- that this is permanent.
I cannot think of anything but sinful options right now and "the enemy has breached the castle gate" of my mind and part of my willpower. I am almost fighting with my own thoughts in a terrible battle.
What can I do?
What I did was ask the Lord to help me- and I asked Him what to do. I prayed for help right in the middle of the mess. I know God does not intend for me to struggle with this on my own. My prayer was weak but urgent.
My feeble prayer for answers instantly led to a thought popping into my mind, "What is the truth?"(implying my thoughts were not true and reminding me Jesus fought temptation by applying scripture in the Bible.) I really don't know the truth on this struggle but the question did get my attention and I do need to sit down and open up my Bible App and read the Word.
Basically I am blogging about this because I have decided to do the right thing on this - but I am suffering. I had said what I believe the most is what I will eventually do. I actually believe my issue will never go away by me doing the right thing ---so my solution cannot be that this issue, however painful, will get better. I need something greater.
The greater truth is I want God. My desire for Him is greater than the sad thoughts I have that my issue will never improve. I am presented with a fork in the road and if I choose to solve my problem in a sinful way I have to blind my eyes and turn away from my greatest desire for the sake of solving a pain in my life. Loving God and getting to know Him is the most powerful, intimate, sweet, and transcendent thing I have ever experienced. God is more real and special to me than anything else. I want God more than I want this issue to be solved. I cannot give in to sin and walk away from the God I am getting to know in such a precious and close way.
I have to make the decision to love and lean on God in times of temptation and weakness and stare the cold reality in the face that even if the negative thoughts are right- that this will always be a problem- I will give my heart to love God anyway.
"God, my heart and life are yours- do your will in me and through me - and even do what you need TO me. I ask you to give me strength, clarity of mind, and grace in this time and at all times on this issue. If Lord you want to use someone as challenged as me - I give you my life for that purpose. Whatever the case, I desire you above all else. Help me to strengthen the resolve of someone else to love and trust God even when facing seemingly unanswered prayers and terrible temptations. The greatest thing Lord that this refining fire has shown me today is how precious you are to me. Against the pain I am struggling with, I now choose my greatest desire again today. You are my greatest desire God and I choose you."
Let's GO God!
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