My Story

I am sharing my personal story online.  So why would I share past addictions, mistakes, and areas of personal pain online?  Simple.. I'm hoping to help others sort out some of the important questions we all deal with in life.. such as, "how can I be forgiven", "how can I be saved", "how can I change my life", and "how can I be sure I am right with God".

I was raised in a good home and we went to church but as I moved into my teenage years I began to have serious struggles.  At the age of 16 I got a job at one of the few places you could find in the countryside of Oregon- a truckstop / restaurant a few miles from our home. I had the great prestige of starting out washing dishes. I met some friends that were cooks and waiters and began to spend time with them. They were a lot older than I was and frequently used alcohol and drugs.

In addition to this most everyone in High School was experimenting with or abusing alcohol or drugs. Through these friends I also experimented.  I went to heavy metal concerts with some of my new friends and saw what I thought was a life of wild fun, acceptance, and fulfillment but it led to rebellion and self-absorbtion. One of my friends and I were famous in high school for doing crazy and even dangerous things when drunk. I got in big trouble through these times up until my Junior year in High School. Through all of this I barely studied in High School and had terrible grades. Through the bad grades, over the years I developed a fear that I was just stupid and that caused me a great deal of insecurity and pain -pain that would last.

Early in my Junior year in High School my dad was transferred to Richmond Virginia with a job promotion. I talked my parents into allowing me to finish High School via Christian homeschool. I requested this for two reasons: I was shy and didn't want to start over at school and because I really wanted to get right with God and knew in a home school environment I could work on it. Over time I did gradually make some progress in cleaning up my life but was not fully surrendered to God. For one thing I had a lot of immoral sexual activity in my life. I found out that when you embrace sin, sin is not always eager to let go.

We began to go to church in Richmond and I met some friends who were authentically "on fire" for God and really excited about Him. They truly lived for God. In fact when they got together they would even have a prayer meeting all by themselves- how foreign that was to me!  This was all new and it showed me how meaningful and relevant a Christian life can be.  There was something really different about them and it spoke to me.

I joined the Virginia Army National Guard while still in High School and the summer after my Junior year in High School I went to Basic Training which involved 8 or 9 weeks of intense training. It was extremely difficult and I was only 17 years old. Most of the men I was training with were 20-27 years old. I became a squad leader because no one else would take the 3rd squad (after the last one was fired publicly) and I don't think my squad members liked the idea of a 17 year old kid telling them to make up their bunks, shine their boots, etc. I took a lot of flack and humiliation through this experience and I learned a lot- but in a painful way that left scars.

The events of my life so far, the pains, the failures, and the difficulties of Basic Training really put me in a mindset in which I was searching for answers. I wanted to know how a person could get right with God. I wanted to know how a person could follow God and be forgiven for everything. I remember speaking many times with my radical Christian friend Jeff and a youth leader who was a real encouragement by the name of Jory. They were patient with me, answered my many questions, and helped me in my search.

2-3 months after coming back from Basic Training I couldn't wait any longer. I wanted to surrender my heart and life to God through Jesus Christ.  I remember it was Sunday morning but I have no idea what the Pastor was preaching about.  He could have been preaching about frogs and it wouldn't have mattered.  I only knew at the end of the message I was going to hurry to the front to respond.  I wanted to be the first one so I would never have the thought in my mind that I had followed anyone.  He gave the offer for prayer and said people could come to the front and I nearly ran down.

I made it there first and just fell to my knees and began praying to God asking him to forgive me and dedicating my life to following him. I was crying a lot and really meant business with God. There were quite a few people coming up to the front and the pastor asked if anyone would like to share anything. I volunteered, and through my tears, I said with a broken voice I had been running from God for a long time and I was going to serve him now. I barely got the words out but it meant a lot to me to be able to make a public statement. I wanted to humble myself in this manner and really let people know where I had been and what I had committed myself to.

It was simple. I didn't have any Bible degrees behind me.  God worked on my heart and I knew about Jesus. I knew he was the Son of God. I knew he died for my sins and rose from the dead. I just had not submitted to him, I had not really surrendered my life to follow him and turn from sins and take his new life.  I see a lot of people who have mental knowledge of Christ but they won't lay their lives down for him.

I was really transformed when I laid my life down like this. I started reading my Bible a lot and trying to pray. I was faithful to go to church and since I was feeding my new life in this way I began to grow in the Lord. I had a great circle of church friends to lean on which were a real encouragement. I'd like to say right here that the friends we pick have a major impact on us. The Bible says "he who walks with the wise grows wise but a companion of fools suffers harm" and it also says "bad company corrupts good character". My life in many ways shows the impact of friends for the good and for the bad. I would encourage the reader to keep in mind that nothing should stand in the way of a walk with God- including friends. Eternity and our present life with the Lord is too important.  We must trust God that if we give up unhealthy relationships he will direct us to healthy ones.

I thought to myself "well I'm really serious about the Lord now, maybe I should go into full time ministry". At this same time my dad was being transferred again, this time to North Texas. I had graduated from High School and decided to move with my family to Texas. When I arrived I enrolled in Bible college. Things were fine for awhile but I had allowed some lingering immorality back into my life and began to struggle with this again. I also began to hang around some non-Christian friends who were into pornography and were against any suggestion of living for God. At first I tried to be a pure person and a witness to them but eventually I was influenced by them and got into pornography myself. Back at Bible College I felt as if I could not be in the ministry and have this type of sin in my life. In addition to this feeling I felt the Bible College environment was a good one but sheltered. I wanted to get into the work place and get some work experience and see if I could live for God in this environment. I said to myself "It is fine to live for God on this protected campus but this faith needs to be relevant in the outside world as well." I changed my major and got a 2-year Bible degree and got out of there as fast as I could. I really cut away the last spiritual anchor by doing this though I did not know it at the time.

I moved into an apartment with those non-Christian friends and my younger brother for awhile and I got my first job out of college stocking shelves at a large computer electronics retailer. It was the lowest and toughest job in the store and I started out at $5.15/hr in January 1994. I worked very hard and was daily covered with sweat.  It was a tough job but I worked hard and had a good attitude and began to move up in the organization.

I was very susceptible at this time of change to negative influences. I was not going to church and the light within me grew darker and darker as I experimented with various areas of a sinful lifestyle. I must have been breaking God's heart.

These things I am writing about are extremely embarrassing to share.  I started visiting "gentlemen's" clubs and worse- its really all I can bear to share here but along with pornography there was a whole lot more.

Sexual sin is habitual and progressive so you don't end up like you thought you would.  You think you will stay the same- but you end up gradually changing for the worse and having less and less control.  Pornography addiction leads to acting out the sinful lifestyle.  Men think, "Oh I would never go seek it out", but when they program the computer of their minds with this pornography and fulfill themselves with it they don't realize they are changing.  They don't realize the person who said they would never do it is slowly changed by the programming and the behavior. The change is very slow and subtle.  Through this same change I kept pushing my limits, trashing my mind, unknowingly shredding my conscience, and creating inner wounds.

Sometimes I would repent, pray, and ask for forgiveness but I was still on a slippery slope.  The more I sinned the less guilty I felt and the less desire I had to change.  I didn't even realize this was happening.  I chose friends with a similar lifestyle and we used to make jokes about the life so we didn't have to feel bad about it.

But I remember one night sitting in my truck at a gas station totally ashamed by something I had just done.  I had no one I could talk to about it- there was absolutely no way I could share this with anyone.  I cried and shook with great sobs and heaves as I sat in my truck and ashamedly prayed for forgiveness and help.  I have since learned that God listens to those prayers if they are absolutely sincere- even if we don't deserve the help.  Eventually, God would guide me into a path that led back to him.

But for now my personal life was just a mess in everything from dating to family life.  I was terribly lonely and hurt.  I know now I was very shallow in my dating life and I callously hurt some people.  For someone like me who has been through a lot of pain it bothers me now that I created pain and disappointment for someone else.  I wish I had been sensitive and honest.  Its been many years now- and I still pray for them at times that the Lord would lead them into good relationships and into fellowship with him.

During this time I was not spending very much time with my family and would only call them perhaps every 3 weeks. I was disconnected and unhealthy in many ways.

On the job front however I was throwing myself into my job at the computer electronics store and through various bumps and bruises I eventually ended up in management and then corporate sales. Financially this led to some good success and a feeling of accomplishment. I now see how God was laying the ground work for a good career for me and he used my dad's good business advice to help me pick corporate sales as a path.

However on a personal level my soul and mind became so black and clouded with sin and I was so wrapped up in a life of selfishness, greed, and immorality that I really had no conscience left. In fact as I lay in bed one afternoon smoking and listening to music I suddenly realized I had no fear left in me of sin, of eternity, or of God. I realized I was dead inside and was shocked I did not feel guilty about anything.  My memory of various Bible verses made me slightly concerned that I had no conscience left so I said this prayer. "Lord, I can't help myself, please help me come back to you." That prayer started a process that took years and I still sinned and carried on the same way but something was started as I would later see.

In 1997 I was using the Internet for a lot of unhealthy things like pornography but I did start using it to help find dates since I was so lonely. I did not want commitment too soon however. I wanted to enjoy dating around for awhile. I went on a few dates through searching on the Internet and found a girl I liked who also did not want a serious long term commitment. However I unexpectedly grew serious about her and right as I did she suddenly stopped calling me. I tried to track her down but it was no use. I had never been through anything like that before and was devastated. I had developed some pretty serious inner wounds throughout life and didn't need another one but here was another one.

Eventually I got back onto the Internet dating sites and found a girl who told me about a church she was going to. She said it was a "real" church where you could be yourself. I went out with her once but her biggest impact on my life was this church. I had ruined my spiritual life - and frankly ruined my mind as well but this church provided very current music, everyone wore jeans, and the teaching was solid, cool, and compelling so I thought I would go and maybe God would use this church to help me.  I figured I could try to take a few steps toward God.

Through the experience of getting hurt by a girl who did not want a commitment I unconsciously decided a girl who wanted commitment would be best. I finally found the girl who became my wife and we went on our first date May 98'. I was really taken with her. She was very pretty, intelligent, and had a good family background and desired a solid family life. She was also a Christian which I had decided was a requirement or I would never get my life straight with God. We were going to church and even prayed together. I would speak with her for hours on the phone and never want to hang up. Sometimes when it is right things move fast and we were married in only 3 months!

I made the commitment to myself if I was going to be married I was going to be a man of God. I repented (that means turning from sin to God) of my sin, stopped using the Internet for sin, stopped looking at women everywhere (used to be a big problem for me and that habit really keeps the lust fires going), and decided my only source for fulfillment in the area of intimacy would be the marriage God had given me. I was even careful about television and movies. I felt if I controlled my images intake it would be a big help over the long term. This took some practice and my mind still raced with all of the images and actions I had fed on up to that time. We kept going to church and I started having a personal devotion time of prayer and Bible reading as regularly as I could. I really asked the Lord for help with every temptation and area of need in my life and slowly he started changing my desires and empowering me.

I was getting free as I had never been in my life! It was really a mystery because although I made some strategic lifestyle adjustments it was really the loving, gradual, changing power of the Holy Spirit that broke the bonds of sin and failure in my life.

Pornography and sexual addiction changed me subtly, slowly, and without my conscious choice into another person as I focused on it and chased it.  As I began to seek the Lord, spend time with him, and focus on him with my choices and my mind a subtle, slow, and unrealized transformation was happening.  It startled me one day after a year or so to suddenly come to the realization I was free and not struggling.

As I look back now I don't understand how God did it. The fact I don't comprehend it is even more of a testimony to his power- it was truly his work. Today I am a man who is totally free of lust, pornography, and immorality and I really walk in power in life- some of you guys probably read that and say "no way" (I hear ya).

I am still very careful about what I allow into my eyes, ears, and mind and I try to spend time with the Lord every day if at all possible so I am empowered to live the Christian life he desires of me. God has forgiven the terrible things I cannot even mention and set me free from them -permanently. I have been free for about more than a decade now and live in a victory I can hardly describe. I am a man who really trampled on God's grace but he was willing to take me back and turn my life around and give me power to live for him.

Another big change is the freedom and healing I have gradually received from my inner pain, fear, jealousy, and many other issues I had before I gave my life back to God. I have mentioned previously a lot of the pain I had brought on myself in my life. Anytime you allow sin to rule your life instead of God you are going to hurt yourself and those around you as well as create pain you will have to deal with later. This is where another mystery happened...

As I prayed about my problems and trusted the Lord I have seen over time he has healed me. God tricked me with this because as I would come to him and ask him to help me with individual situations of pain, insecurity, jealousy, lust, etc I thought he would just give me help with that particular issue I brought to him.  I assumed I would always struggle with those pains and issues.

However it was not just temporary pain relief and help he was giving me when I brought these pains and sins to him on a case by case basis. As I surrendered each area of my life, spent time with the Lord, and came to him in prayer with each situation he gave me the temporary help I needed but was also gradually working to resolve the issue itself.  I came to him for relief from the temporary circumstance but as I came to him I did not realize he was gradually healing me and permanently setting me free as well!

However, this was his work, in his timing, and what I did was keep coming to him and keep trusting him with each situation of life.

Years later I am healed of those inner pains and I walk in great confidence because I've learned to trust in him. I have a long way to go and new issues are discovered within me all the time I have to bring to God.  But now I know he will work within me profoundly if I will keep coming to him.

God is a Father and he wants to have a relationship with each of us. We all have issues. We all have sin. I have been pretty open about a lot of my sin even though it is embarrassing because I know people (especially men in regard to pornography) deal with these issues. If we sin we become slaves to sin. Sin is a very harsh master to have in your life and those who sin will not only have a hell on earth but an eternal hell after this life - but that is totally unnecessary. You can have a life of peace, freedom, forgiveness, and power in this life and God can restore you from what you have done. You can be forgiven, free, and eternally saved. You can have a future.

Jesus Christ took your sin and shame on himself when he came into the world and died on the cross for your sins. He took the punishment and the curse of your sin. He crushed the cruel power of sin and will set you free. He rose from the dead proving he is the Son of God and the unique Savior he claimed to be. I am what you might call the type of person who has an "addictive" personality and I don't have the strongest will (I can prove it because I have a weight problem!) but the Lord in a gentle, gradual, and effective way set me free from my abusive and immoral behaviors. And he is still setting me free from other types of things today but the key is surrender. You choose to give up your life, confess your sins to God, turn from your sins to God, and ask him to forgive you and help you to live a life following after Jesus Christ. If you will surrender and really mean business with God he will save you and change you from the inside out. I would be delighted to pray with you about this.

Then you need to get baptized in water as the Lord has commanded which shows the world you are following Jesus and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit who will empower your life and help you as he has helped me. It is also very important for you to plug into a powerful Bible-believing church. If you contact me I can help guide you in this.

To this day I serve the Lord and he teaches me constantly how to follow him and live in victory. This is such an amazing relationship I have with the Lord. If I have a problem at work- I pray about it and the situation either goes away, I get an idea of how to deal with it, someone helps me, or I go through the problem and things turn out ok anyway. If I have a problem with some personal issue- I pray about it and I receive help. If my marriage has an issue- I pray about it, obey God and things work out. I have a great life, a confident life, and I am free of the guilt of my severe sins of the past which I am now ashamed of. And on top of all this Jesus promised we will be with him in heaven after this life instead of an eternity in the flames of a terrible hell for those rejecting the mercy and love of God. Do not let any thought in your mind hinder you from coming to the Lord right now- thoughts will pop into your mind to try to talk you out of it but today you need to make your choice. This is not about you being worthy- Jesus came to save sinners- like me and you.

I encourage you to firmly make up your mind to admit your sins to God, turn from a lifestyle of sin and pain to a lifestyle of following Jesus Christ as both your Savior and the Lord of your life everyday. You will be saved for eternity and he will also show you his love, healing, wisdom, help, and faithfulness as you follow him each day and get to know him. The good news is this is not rocket science. If you will come to him he will do all the directing- this is his responsibility.

I would be delighted to have the opportunity to speak with you about these matters, answer questions, and/or pray with you about salvation or recovering from backsliding(or any other prayer need).

Don't do this alone- friends are important and I would be glad to keep in touch to be an encouragement and ongoing resource to you.  My email is: christianbusinessguy@yahoo.com

I encourage you to check out the link on the right at the top which says "Growing in the Lord" as well as my various blog articles on this site.