Struggling to refocus

I am in the midst of a 30day, "Put God First Test". I am doing this because I am such a borderline workaholic that I have to periodically re-prioritize. I am in a strange situation because part of the reason I used to be diligent in seeking the Lord was due to a vague and dreadful fear of judgement... or at least a fear of displeasing the Lord.  There was no reason for this - God was not to blame.

As I have sought the Lord and prayed to Him over the years I have always experienced his acceptance and help in all circumstances.  I have continued to come to Him in prayer over the years despite my own self-rejection and despite a foreboding sense of fear and dread.  I prayed anyway and was constantly surprised that once I connected with God in prayer the dread would soon lift and a sense of peace would replace it. This has been the case for so many years that I now expect God's mercy and acceptance when I go see Him in prayer.  I expect this no matter what the circumstance- even if I have not prayed for awhile.  One of the aspects of dread would be, lets say, I missed a few days of prayer- my own heart would condemn me but as I went to go meet with the Lord I would feel comfort and acceptance- and even more... something like cheerfulness from God.  Due to this surprising and constant acceptance by the Lord, slowly, over the years, my reasons for spending time with God changed from "I better do this" to "I want to do this."  God truly accepts those who come to Him- surprisingly so.  We may reject and judge ourselves- only to be loved by the Judge of all the Earth.

My process of learning to understand God's love and desire for me has been one of the greatest joys and surprises of my life.  Knowing what a perfectionist I am and how I am wired its remarkable that I now live with a sense of being accepted- what a joy!

Still, like a young child who feels secure in his Father's love - and with the fear largely gone I have grown more soft in my urgency to seek the Lord.  In my new security part of my urgency to seek God has lessened.  This is a bit like a spiritual version of the young man who knows he is accepted and safe so he wants to have fun more than spend time with his Father.  I have to say it- I find myself watching Netflix and even (ok this part is embarrassing) playing Xbox in any spare time I have.  I'm not doing any extra ministry, I'm not using spare time to pray or read the Bible, etc.  I'm really enjoying my acceptance and having some fun.  I know this is not actually bad and I should be able to have some fun as a Christian- I totally agree its just that I have noticed a spiritual cooling.  I want to relish and fly free in my Father's grace - and sure have some fun - but be the most passionate man of God I can possibly be.

So, my reasons for seeking are going to have to evolve.

One of the positive reasons I have been seeking the Lord for many years (yes I had good reasons alongside the bad ones) was because I was inspired by stories of men of God in the Bible. This is a healthy motive I need to continue to cultivate. I have always had the thought that if Daniel, Moses, or Samuel could be very close to God and powerful in God- I could too.

Here's the good news- yes, I've cooled down but remember - I've been through a ton of spiritual Seasons and my Father is waiting in the secret place - and when I go meet with him he will greet me with nothing but JOY.

I will re-commit myself, fight the tide that is cooling me, and fly free in the warm sunshine of my Father.  If I seek- the burning will return.  I am meant to burn.