Ships, Oceans, Remembering

O' Lord are you pleased when I am beaten but I trust in you through it? Are you pleased when people abandon me but I cling to you? I feel something noble and right when I trust you in the darkness- when I fight even when I am blind. I feel you must be pleased when the reason I don't give in is because I reason with my mind that you are good and you are faithful.

I DO trust in you, it is my choice to do this. This is my life's lesson- my One Prayer. May the Lord ever help me to trust in him no matter what Hell, the World, or the circumstances of life may hurl at me. As I walk through the landmines of life I hold your invisible hand- as they explode with all the noise and fury that reality can bring I still my soul before you by my choice. You are with me Lord, even when I cannot see, feel, or hear you. You are my righteousness, my buckler, and my everlasting shield.

Praise God who has always looked after this little ship, this foolish man, this feeble vessel on an ocean so vast and dark and deep.

I want to tell you a story about remembering.. There is something beautiful about remembering the works of God in our lives and reciting them to him one by one in order. Telling God the story of his work and grace in my life is one of the richest forms of communion I have found with the Lord. I like to sit with the Lord alone and walk, in my mind, through a season of my life and remember before him everything I was facing- and everything he did.

One such season involved the sea, not literally, but you will understand in a moment. In 2005 I was leading a sales team handling new business for a large startup venture in the networking industry. In that year the company had outsourced our huge renewals business to a California company. Throughout that year this company struggled greatly- sales were not as expected and forecasts were missed. 2 Vice Presidents within our company were directly or indirectly fired over this. This failure was known throughout our company.

In December 2005 I was asked, with few options, to take over this struggling business. My family had months before scheduled a vacation for a week during January 2006 - the very month I was supposed to take over this business. In addition our company decided to use January 2006 to roll out a huge new CRM system for our sales teams. Needless to say my family vacation week was memorable - for its stress.. Unfortunately I was caving in to the pressure at this time, calling in to the office multiple times during the day and fretting greatly about my new sales team, new sales role, our new CRM system, and the horrible timing of my vacation. Its so sad that although I do remember the time with my kids, the memories of stress are the ones that are the clearest.

We went on family vacation with 2 other family groups and we shared a rented vacation home. There was no place to pray and have devotional time with the Lord. The only private place I could find was the master bedroom's garden tub. So, I ended up taking a lot of baths that week. I would spend time with the Lord in the tub after we got back from a day of activities and sometimes fall asleep waking up in the middle of the night in the tub, craziness.

My fears of poor vacation timing and not being there for the CRM rollout were not my worst fears. My worst fear was taking over an incredibly large sales responsibility when I got back from vacation which had failed so badly the prior year that executives had been fired. This area of sales was new to me and it involved skills and experience I had never acquired- and I was supposed to basically figure it out.

Every day in my bath tub devotion time I poured out my fears to God. I cried out to God for help. I was so naturally unsure of myself and this new assignment was just overwhelming. My VP had told me "you'll just WILL IT into being", he didn't understand how things work for me, he didn't understand how much I have to rely on the Lord. The fear stayed with me like I was possessed, like it was a spiritual toxin inside of my cells- and I had no relief. No one could comfort me, I have never known how empty words of encouragement can really be up to this time. No one could make me feel better. Everyone's words could not change the huge darkness I was about to have to walk through all by myself. I was alone and I was in charge of this.

It all came to a head one morning, in the bathtub again, when I prayed in anguish and with an imagined situation in my mind. I said, "O' Lord, I am like a little child at the wheel of a huge sailing vessel trying to steer it in the blackness of the night in a huge storm at sea. I don't know how to steer this vessel but I am at the wheel. I can barely stand up with the waves crashing over the sides on to the deck. I am clinging to this wheel trying to steer it but this ship and this black storm are overwhelming!" Suddenly, in my mind a shining figure tall and strong appeared in my imagination as I was praying and explaining this analogy in prayer to the Lord. Bright and tall this figure's arms were over my shoulders with his hands over my hands on the wheel. I will never forget that dark sea, that wooden ship steering wheel as tall as me, I'll never forget the fear I felt, and I will never forget that he showed himself to be my Captain, the captain of my little ship, of my soul.

Those memories have echoed throughout my life since that year, the year the Lord became my captain, the year he showed me how to walk forward in my fear no matter how I felt. The time he taught me to make him my trust, my hope, my light, and my Captain.

That year we crushed sales expectations, setup new processes, and moved into a place of excellence. We faced many troubles, trials, set backs, and yes- fears that year but we prevailed. My VP at the sales kickoff the next year said "I knew it, I knew you could do it". I have always tried to explain to him the Lord's work in my life and I hope I have planted seeds with him that will eventually sprout to the salvation of his soul through Jesus Christ. I hope this friend of mine will one day find that Jesus wants to be his Captain too.

Jesus thank you for being my Captain.. I take the time to remember you.