I have some issues I have really struggled with in life. Some of those things I have blogged about- why the heck blog about them? Well, I don't want to shock or embarrass anyone(including myself) but my belief is other people might be dealing with some of the same things- so maybe sharing could be helpful?
I actually wrestle all the time with "should I blog", "do I let people know about the blog", or "why am I truly blogging"- but each time I pray and ask the Lord if my heart is in the right place I seem to receive encouragement. The other day I prayed about this very topic and maybe an hour later my friend David emailed me to "keep the faith" in an email after reading a blog story(thanks David).
The example I just gave above is simply one sample of the kinds of internal conversations and personal challenges I wrestle with. As you can see from the above there is a mental "conversation" going on that I have to deal with about blogging or not blogging (obviously I settled on blogging).....there are many such inner conversations and struggles I deal with. (TOO transparent??)
There are plenty of other anxieties, conflicts and insecurities I deal with at various times. Oftentimes these spring from people interactions but they don't necessarily have to. Quite often these negative feelings or mental-emotional struggles are based on a misunderstanding or something I should either forgive or blow off. I wish I could do that- many people can. I can't typically. At other times I'll wrestle with an anxiety or an inner-wound which is all over me without a good reason. I suffer a lot when I go through one of these situations. The way my personality works I am very psycho-analytical so I tend to be very honest and critical about myself. My own thoughts accuse me a lot. I hate it because many of the things that literally "own" me in my mind and that I wrestle with greatly are vague- there isn't a lot of basis for them but I deal with them as if they were.
This part of my life I am describing is among the least flattering things I could share- I am not relishing this and I am holding back some. This is the best I can do.
From reading this so far you can maybe get some idea that I really, really wrestle sometimes with painful and challenging thought patterns. How is it that I deal with this- THAT is the only reason this too-transparent topic is worth sharing. First I will give you a basic idea- then I will give you an example.
So, the basic idea with dealing with these mental wrestlings whether they be: hurt feelings, jealousy, insecurity, unforgiveness, doubt, or lust is to bring them to God. Whether I am at work, driving in my car, or cleaning up after dinner - whenever and wherever a flood of these painful dark thoughts hit me my immediate reaction is to call on God. The mental anguish can be pretty severe and my prayers are not pretty nor are they complex- they are a simple call for help.
I remember a movie about Vietnam in which the U.S. Army was pinned down by the Viet Cong on all sides. The radio operator called down air support directly on their own position. A short time later airplanes rained down bombs directly on and around the camp of the U.S. troops- it was a painful way of destroying the enemy but it worked. You can picture me like a radio operator in combat urgently yelling for direct air support. I'm in a battle I can't win - and I'm calling for air support from the Lord.
I wish I could tell you some awesome, spiritual techniques I have for fighting these issues- and I really do think the mind is the main battlefield in life. I don't- I have no techniques to fight this. All I know how to do is call upon the Lord.
Before I get into an example story (from tonight) here is a quick tip- this stuff is absolutely spiritual warfare. This means the enemy of our souls comes to torment us- he hunts us and his favorite weapons work from the inside - in our thoughts. If you have something that has often plagued you...please DO recognize that this stuff has some roots probably in real issues but the enemy also comes to bind us and hurt us with these things.
So, the story tonight has to do with a couple of hours of mental wrestlings I was dealing with this evening. The issues were definitely spawned by human interactions. I wanted to forgive- I promise you that. I wanted to "just get over it" as some people can do so easily it seems. I had the best of intentions but these several issues would not just fade away. The more I wrestled with reasoning and my own mental exertion- the more painful the issues were becoming. All of this really happened no more than 3 hours ago. I was actually at home so I was able to go hide in my room for a few minutes and my intention was to go and pray for help. (call for air support you might say) Tonight I went into the room, closed the door, and I went to pray-- and the second I was with the Lord I couldn't remember the issues I had. The anxiety, frustration, and insecurity I was dealing with- I forgot. I wanted to pray about them so I could know I had dedicated the issues to God but I could only remember one of them. Literally I was free the moment I was in prayer. Clearly the enemy was behind part of the issue this evening (although I can say there were some real issues as well) because when I went to call upon the Lord- they fled.
This is a great example of the fact that I DON'T have spiritual strength, ideas, or tricks - all I did is come to God trusting in him. (trust is also called "faith") I will tell you that attacks of lust, pride, fear, anxiety, worry, jealousy, envy, unforgiveness, or a wounded spirit seem to not cease and they don't get easier. However, I do find that as I call upon God, every time, he sets me free, gives me the victory, and heals me. You would think from reading all of this that I have a painful life- I'm not going to deny that there is pain. However, I live a miraculous life- and I stand constantly amazed by the grace, love, and hope that I am given by God. After having had a pattern of calling upon God for awhile its kind of a habit to turn to him pretty quickly in a painful trial of various kinds-- and I want to tell you that in life we turn to what works. God works. He never lets me go, he never lets me down, and there is never a painful trial- no matter how deep the temptation or hurt that he will not help me with. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I am confused and I can't even think straight- in those times I'll just say something like "Lord, I don't know what to do"- and he'll give me an idea or a way out.
What if I could tell you that no matter how painful your life, your thoughts, your past, or your temptations - that Jesus Christ can put those things under your feet and you will crush them.
I probably have a battle like this one that I shared with you at least a few times per week (if not more)- the way the Lord deals with each one is different and I never know how he will set me free- but he always does. Its amazing. Its so hard to go through but the lesson of going through it and learning that he'll set you free every time is absolutely unbelievable. As you start to bring each and every situation to God you may suffer- but eventually you'll sometimes laugh as you're suffering as you remember the Lord is coming-- not "maybe" ... he's already on the way. What if your life was meant to be free but it was still painful- would you take it? What if the pain had a point- and what if each trial taught you, humbled you, and brought you closer to the Lord? The greatest thing is the Lord helps me without judging- I may indeed "buy-in" to thoughts of unforgiveness, lust, envy, or whatever the case may be- so part of my cry for help in those case becomes, "I'm so sorry- please help me". He NEVER judges me, I never feel condemned when I bring these things to him- and that is a true miracle because I DO condemn myself. But when I come into prayer all of that eventually goes away- and in the Lord's timing (whether that be immediate or hours), he sets me free. There are no conditions on this freedom like "He will only set you free if the thoughts or whatever wasn't your fault"- NO, plenty of times it was my fault.
Not to beat this into the ground but the point is to come to him in simple dependence- and yes of course repentance if that is needed for the situation. Let me assure you his help will always come- and it will never be with rejection. After years and years of this I still expect rejection from him when I come to him in prayer during a tough season- I get nothing but acceptance, grace, fellowship, and yes- freedom.
The way I call upon the Lord is very child-like and often desperate- anyone can do this- there is no trick. You can start calling upon God.
Chasing God is the most fulfilling life you could ever live.
P.S. - if you want me to write more on the topic of freedom and wrestling let me know by commenting.
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