I hope you read the last blog entry, the poem by the unknown author about how God shapes a man for his destiny in God. This post is unintentionally (by me) meshed together with the last one like 2 gears mesh together to move energy through a machine.
I have been through a major disappointment recently, or call it a delay if you like. I had anticipated something and worked toward it for a long time and when it came it was not what I thought- nowhere near what I had hoped. I felt led in this thing by God, I invested a lot into it, and I worked hard at it. I sought counsel, invested resources, and always tried to put God first. I frequently felt the help of the Lord and there were clear sources of help all along the way- and yet this great and huge sense of failure and disappointment..
I've been staying true to the Lord through these feelings. I've been lightly tempted with anger toward God but have brushed it off - God is too good and wise to have done something wrong here. Had I missed God then? I don't see how I could have- no I didn't. Is it a timing issue- I hardly even understand that question.
The Lord asked me last week "How important is this to you". I told him honestly it was important but in the great scheme of what my life could be about or in the light of eternity- its not that important. He said, "Its important to me". I did not expect that answer..
And yet here I am in the same situation, holding the disappointment, and pushing to persevere against the odds- and against my own rebellious feelings of doubt and lack of self-confidence. I died and grew old through this "failure". I have little strength left in me - little heart left. I am tired.
I am blogging kind of from the hip here.. but I am going somewhere. My point was to show the problem first. The problem is that I was too weak to accomplish even what I did accomplish on my own. I have the largest deficit of self-confidence of probably anyone you've ever met. Its totally amazing that this business failure I've been speaking about (its not out of business by the way, it just hasn't gone very well at the beginning) is even in existence at this point and got off the ground. God has been within me throughout, I know that. I just can't reconcile the fact that he was with me- with what I see around me right now. I see failure with my human eyes- totally unexpected failure and yet I felt led, no I even feel led up to this moment. How does that work?
Ok, here's the lesson section and its a lesson for me too.
As I meditate about all of these I am referencing Biblical examples of men of God in the Bible who went through disappointment and crushing failure- but then later it was seen this was God's plan and he did make them a success but he did it in a character forming way:
- Moses was raised in royalty but in one day he was thrust out of his royalty and any dreams he had of palace life and leadership were destroyed. When we see him 40 years later in the wilderness raising sheep his self-confidence is so destroyed that he tells God to please choose someone else and he says he's not a good speaker. But God took this castoff man and called down plagues on Egypt and parted the Red Sea. How could Moses in his destroyed life among the sheep know that he was still called by God? How could he know God still had a plan for his life. Even more- how could Moses know that God needed him to actually go through all of this to turn him into the instrument he needed to use to free Israel? Moses could not have known- he had to suffer in ignorance and hopelessness for God's work in his life to be effective.
- Daniel was a man of God in Jerusalem, a young man off noble birth. His beloved city was completely destroyed and he was taken away captive to a land far away. He lived as a slave but God looked after him and after this tragedy of death, failure, humiliation, and slavery - after this failure God raised him up and made him a top advisor to several kings in a row. And all the while God spoke to Daniel about the future of the world. How could Daniel have known when he saw the dead bodies in the streets of Jerusalem that God had a plan for his life? How could Daniel have known when he probably became a Eunuch that God was still going to use him? How could Daniel have known God would use him to share the knowledge of God with foreign kings and foreign lands? Daniel could not have known. Daniel had to just suffer as a slave and keep himself pure in his pain. Daniel couldn't have known God was going to exalt him and make him a success- and use his life. Daniel was forced to interpret the dreams of others to save his life and the life of his friends- but he couldn't interpret the circumstances of his own life. He had to suffer and just keep his life of prayer intact and learn to listen to God. Daniel couldn't have known his life of shame and slavery would lead to royal position. God had to put him through that to make him the instrument he would become.
- Joseph, saw dreams about his future in his youth and told his mocking brothers. Joseph was nearly murdered, thrown in a well instead, and then sold as a slave. His father was so distraught when he heard his son was dead that he almost died- and he would never be comforted. Joseph became a slave, worked hard, and then in the act of keeping himself pure - he was accused of being violently impure. He was falsely accused of hurting is boss- in the very act of protecting his boss. He was thrown into prison for years due to this. Just when he had some position and authority by being the head of a rich person's house he was thrown into a gloomy dungeon. Where were those vivid dreams he had back at home? Here he was alone, humiliated, lied about, and worse than a slave- a prisoner. How could this injustice be happening? He stayed faithful to God and 2 people needed dreams interpreted. He interpreted those dreams correctly and KNEW this help he clearly had received from God would be his ticket out of prison. He was forgotten for 2 more years and stuck in jail. His freedom was forgotten, his dreams were dead- even he didn't believe in them anymore. If you asked him how important they were he would say "they're not that important to me anymore, I'm not sure I believe them". But God would say "they're important to me". Here again God raised this man directly out of prison dramatically into leadership, success, and the fulfillment of his dream. How could Joseph have known that he didn't miss God in those dreams- he couldn't have known. How could Joseph have known that in the midst of his suffering he was exactly in the center of God's will. Joseph was alone, he had no one to spiritually encourage him, God was his only comfort and fellowship. He had no one to validate himself with - he learned to depend on the invisible. He learned to trust God and chose to continue with God right in the middle of what could have been interpreted as God not helping him. How could Joseph have seen his own future - he couldn't have. God had to do those things to him to use him in a great and mighty way in the future.
- David - sitting with his father's sheep, the youngest and most despised of his brothers. No one knew or appreciated the fact that he had slain both a lion and a bear in his loyalty to his father and to his sheep. God had helped him do that. God helped him to see that with His help he can fight something greater than himself - even as a young boy. Samuel came to their house because God said the future king was in that house. When they finally brought David in, last, to see Samuel God told Samuel young David was the one. Samuel anointed David king --- it took years upon years before that came true in actuality. In fact even after great victories like slaying the giant Goliath David was nearly pinned to the wall by the spear of the current king, Saul and run out of town to live in caves for yet years and years more. David lived like a fugitive in the deserts, wilderness, and caves - constantly on the look out to save his life from the jealous and bloodthirsty king Saul. David's life was unfair. His life was terrible. He was poor and lived in fear for his life. Thieves and murderers became his companions. Was this the life God had for him? How could he have known when Samuel anointed him King it would be many, many, many years before the reality would be seen? How could David know his friends, innocent priests, would be killed because of him? How could David know that his failure, humiliation, and abandonment were not the end? How could David know this backside of the desert experience was in the center of the road leading to God's mighty plan for his life? He couldn't have known- he just had to bear it. Was he going to blaspheme God and walk away because he had spent so much time trying to serve Israel - only to be chased by Israelites and by the King? His choice was to learn to worship in the wilderness. His choice was to learn to be penitent in prayer. His choice was to learn to be patient in affliction. His choice was to learn to spend his abandonment learning the Law of God, the Word of God. How was David to know that the anointing of Samuel was not a mistake, a misunderstanding? How was David to know he didn't miss God- he couldn't know. All David could do was choose to leave God or stay with God- and if he stayed with God it meant accepting the facts of his situation and trusting God without being able to see what was going on. How could David know he was in the center of God's plan - even though he was in the center of suffering. He couldn't have known.
I don't think I can know either. I don't think you can know. I think all we can do is suffer and make that choice- will we stay with God through this? And not just stay with God but will we not become bitter but allow God to give us peace in the midst of it. Will we seek God even more? We say God led us here. Did he lead us to leave us?
I don't think we can know in the midst of our pain, humiliation, failure, and disappointment what God is doing. I think suffering may just be part of the plan. This knowledge helps me almost not at all but I somehow begin to believe its true about me.
The pattern with these men seems to be suffering, delay, and disappointment, and a long period of time prior to God's will for their life coming to the place of fruitfulness. The pattern seems to be that death precedes life sometimes in God's plans.
I am going to act like its true and try to be patient. I am going to seek the Lord believing in his goodness and wait for him to lead me. I say I serve him. I say I follow him. He's God - I just have to trust him, I know he is good and wise. I will seek him fervently and with great determination because whatever happens with the business my commitment is that I will know Christ.
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