I feel awful.. she cried

Here is why I feel awful. My wife has been waaaay stressed out in the past hmmm few months (all of Summer I guess). Its about all she can do to just keep her job, the house, and the kids squared away- I totally understand that. I have been working my tail off on business stuff, helping a lot around the house, helping with the kids, trying to balance everything, and just frankly we've not connected well for awhile. So, with all of that insanity going on for both of us (and listen... she really is my best friend) somehow we got into it on Tuesday and in her moment of frustration and need she texted me something that nailed 2 sensitive spots for me as she was putting the girls to sleep (I think I texted her something first that stirred her up, whatever its not worth the time to go check my cell phone). It led to a pretty rough evening that night but then I tried to make it right and it ended up ok. One of the things I said at the end of it is I loved her, she needed to trust God because she was stressing too much, and that marriage is rough sometimes- that's how it is for everyone.(and I really meant all that stuff)

Well, for me... its been a hard week at work, I have too much going on, I am multi-tasking too much and staying up late working. She's been preparing all week to take the girls to the beach for a few days, they left today. So, here's my challenge... those 2 sensitive spots she nailed with that text... kept bothering me all week. I prayed all week, but the harder I worked, the more tired I got, the more she had to focus on trip and job - the less we talked and the more I thought about what she said.(can you feel a stew cooking up?) I got madder and madder. I was totally raging inside, thinking mean thoughts, and barely able to hold back from showing it.

I KNOW its mean, I couldn't help it but I felt like I was walking around with 2 spears in my chest from what she said and they hurt more every day. (if I told you what they were 1 of them wouldn't surprise you and the other one you wouldn't think it should hurt that much, don't be nosy!)

Anyway, I was not able to contain my anger anymore and Friday night I started to talk about things. She then "shared" which escalated it more. I hated it. At the end of it all I made her cry which is of course the ultimate horrible feeling.

That's not what I wanted, I was just dealing with my internal pain- in fact several times during the fight I de-escalated things, I REALLY tried. I can't figure out why after all of my prayer for God to help me to forgive her for the text message I kept boiling. I can't figure out why I was allowed to give the fullest vent I've ever given to my wife in an argument (no language or name-calling, we both kind of tried to keep it civil, don't let your imagination run too far with this it wasn't movie-worthy or anything). I mean I prayed most of my 35 minutes home from work for God to help me, to give me grace, to help me to just love her through the pain, and here I was like an emotional bull in a China shop...

So, that is why I feel awful. I actually had this in my drafts guys Saturday because honestly its too embarrassing, too sad, and too shameful. I verbally stressed my wife out so much in an argument that I made her feel very insecure about things and made her cry. I don't know, maybe if I share this with someone it will help someone, someday.

Here's the thing, when she cried I knew that was not what I was going for- what I wanted was a deeply sincere apology about what she had texted me. I wanted to be free of those demons that tormented me all week about how precisely her words had cut me. So, why did God allow this level of marital shaking and an argument I am so humiliated to have been a part of (I am tearing up right now as I type this)?

I always tell everyone that when you pray the action is started in heaven- you just can't see it, feel it, or understand it- but whether you know it or not things start to happen behind the scenes-- because God is faithful. Could it be that God allowed us to go through that terrible conflict? (I am not sure where to take the rest of this blog post) Could it be that God is (as Ravi Zacharias says) the "Grand Weaver" who takes the cords and fabric of our lives and weaves them into the tapestry that he has planned?

We reconciled that same evening and worked through it. We're going to talk about some of the core issues when she gets back from the beach, probably through a date night. I just told her we have GOT to schedule time together, there is nothing I like more than talking with my wife. Its like I am recharging when we have time together- the trouble is we haven't had any. So, I just think we have to figure it out and plan that time together even though as busy as we are that seems impossible. We need to plan for connection, and plan for marriage success.

There is an early outcome within me that has taken place as a result of that fight, God may have more in store for us but I can see one helpful outcome from this vantage point. Basically, I saw my wife in a very vulnerable moment, a sad moment, a distraught moment, and I never want to see her that way again. What I want is to be her defender, her best friend, her supporter, and her forever. I am so broken about this but I feel like I just have to surround her in life, protect her, and be there for her. Life-stresses and exhaustion were a big part of why she ended up crying, essentially I was the (large) straw that broke the camel's back. I have a new vision for (I am pausing because I don't know if I can post this, this is too vulnerable) life and marriage and I want to be her safe place.

Sorry if I disappointed anyone, I know I'm awful, but since we both put God first in our lives I trust that he had a purpose for us in that time even though it was so sad..