When I am around certain groups of people at times they seem so put together, so socially aware, and they seem to know what to do. I never do. I am naturally friendly so I have that going for me I guess but I often feel a little awkward in various circumstances. Then if there are "clicks" I am really at a disadvantage, I am not saying I should be worrying about it though, I am just brain-dumping at the moment. I seem to have a habit of comparing various aspects of my life with others as well. I question my life and the way I do things when I see areas where I am different, etc.
Then again in raising kids, being married, having a stressful job, and trying to have a ministry- there are so many decisions to be made, issues to resolve, and approaches to be defined. I often compare my life with those around me and wonder why I do various things differently. As far as the "put-together people" - they never seem to have these questions I am wrestling with - as far as I can tell. They seem so "with it" and knowledgeable. I question myself a lot, not only in a self-critical way, but in both a comparative way with others as well as in a "what is really the best thing" way.
I don't want to write at length about this, there are too many nuances about this area of concern that I have. This flows into issues of: comparing myself with others, questioning why I do the things that I do, why I make the choices that I do, why I at times don't seem to fit in with the crowd, prioritizing things in life, how to spend my time, how to invest my family's time and resources, decisions to make about life conduct, decisions about what is best for my family and kids, and it can go on and on with probably another dozen related areas of the questions of life.
I see people filling their lives with a lot of different activities, hobbies, trips, possessions, friends, clubs, and countless other things. These then are the things they talk a lot about. None of these things are wrong by themselves but I simply don't have the time, resources, or willingness to invest very much of myself and my family into those things. Between work, family, and church the little time I have left I like to spend with the Lord. As a result of having very little exposure in these areas I feel a little different in some groups. I hear people at gatherings chatting on and on about various topics of interest and it can be uncomfortable. I don't have much to say unless it refers to work, family, kids, church, or my relationship with God. I feel like a monk sometimes.
Its interesting these questions I am raising about fitting in, feeling awkward, and comparing myself with others. I wonder why it is so natural to me to compare myself with others? Its strange because doing so is totally instinctive to me. As I think about my life's experience I see this is instinctive to most of the people I have interacted with in my life- in various degrees. If I naturally compare myself to others I need to take a step back and ask myself if comparing myself with others is something that is really necessary. Is comparing myself with others going to help or hinder? Will it just make me waste energy and time trying to fit in? How would I know if I was even successful in fitting in? What if other people who spend energy trying to fit in actually became competitors with me in fitting in? And, who would I strive to fit in with- everyone? Certain people? The "right people"- geez that sounds distasteful when you just put it out there so bluntly. What is the criteria to use when picking someone to try to fit in with? And what does it say about me if I am trying to fit in with people who don't naturally include me? What is the ultimate value there? What is it within me that I am trying to satisfy by trying to fit in?
Is that what my life is all about, fitting in? Can I get a lot of meaning out of life chasing the approval of people and comparing myself with others? Can I make a difference in people's lives if I am seeking the approval of people? Can I help people by wasting mental energy, time, and precious resources in comparing myself with someone else? What good will come of it if I compare myself with someone else- would they even care or notice- am I competing for the attention of people? Does comparing myself with others actually improve me? Can this actually be similar to idolatry in my life? How selfish I must be to worry about what people think? How self-centered I must be to compare myself with others. I have been born into this culture but is this behavioral approach what God is calling me to? Do I have to accept these behaviors that are common to us all? Do I have any alternative ways of thinking and living?
The more I analyze this I see that the final outcome of this is a spiral away from the Lord. I see that this would lead ultimately to insecurity, disappointment, and wasted energy and focus. I had never analyzed fitting in before. I have never thought through the idea of comparing myself with others. You know, the Bible says "fear of man will prove to be a trap". It seems as though fearing to be different from others and fear of not fitting in truly is a trap- and its a trap hidden in a cultural behavior pattern.
If I search my heart I quickly see that the one whose approval I really want is the Lord. He is worth my investment in time. He accepts those who seek him. He is pleased as people follow him and strive to be like him. If I compare myself to him I see he is the best person to compare myself to - because by doing so I am inspired and encouraged to be more like him. If I compare myself with people in the world all I am going to do is end up in a rat race and become more materialistic and my focus will be stolen away from the Lord. If I compare myself with the Lord it actually changes and improves me.
The Lord has been so good about answering prayers, helping me, and teaching me over the years so I will do with these sets of questions what I do about everything. I will pray about them as often as they are brought to my mind as a concern. Anytime I feel insecure or out of place I will pray about them again. I'll ask the Lord to help me to be an encourager to these people. I will also ask the Lord to help me find others who might feel out of place or need encouragement. And ultimately, I will seek the Lord and strive to know him. If I seek him first, he will continue to teach me, bless me, and help me in every way.
The path of focusing on people is a path that will lead to pain. The path of following the Lord, according to the Bible, and I can say from my experience leads to wisdom, peace, and fellowship with him.
1 comment:
This is a very interesting post about the need to fit in. I recently read a nice article about the value of friendship, and how important true friends are to our growth and happiness. My closest friends in life are people with similar values. For me, they tend to be good, caring and non-materialistic. I rarely feel uncomfortable around my true friends, and for that reason, I am very blessed. The struggle to fit in real, but made more challenging when we try to fit in with people who don't share our values. For me, the answer is to spend more time with the right people.
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